I Will Not Die Numb

My life has been a journey to become real - alive and fully feeling.

For the past 22 years, I've stumbled through this spiritual journey, which I now see has become a human journey. 

I am not sure when it turned. The intense craving for something unknown, something beyond, something, greater than myself, turned inward toward my own heart, this aging body, this intense soul. It is here that I found the spiritual. It was in the flowers, trees, and birdsong that I came to know and remember the magic of the sacred call to remember oneself here on Earth. It was in the touch of his skin on mine, that my soul began to vibrate with the beautiful intensity of desire I had seemingly lost for years. 

I found the divine in my own human body. Again. And again. Over and over. Until I came to understand that there is no out there and in here. There is no heaven somewhere else. There is no garden to get back to. 

There is only here. Now. We are born on Earth and we will die on Earth. And during our lives, this beautiful Mother feeds us. We breathe her oxygen. 

My journey to wake up became a journey to know my full humanity. A journey to be real. A journey to feel. And a journey to becoming un-numb. 

This has been the gnarly part. To become un-numb because it means we must feel everything. But oh is it glorious to feel. To be so damn alive. To be human. To truly know my years are finite. And to not take a bit for granted. 

I am not always un-numb, but the true learning is in loving what is so. And learning what love is. Which is now where my heart and soul are headed. 

I yearn to know what love truly is. I feel loved deeply by life. I am learning to open to life's call however she leads me. And I yearn to be a lover of everything she brings. So that my love for life becomes my life itself. Then, I will die alive.